When Bad Sweaters Happen to Good People
Written By: Susan Krupa The 10 Ugly Christmas Sweater Disasters to Avoid
The ubiquitous ugly holiday sweater always makes its appearance right about now. It’s the time of year when people who (for the most part) normally dress well inexplicably seek out the loudest, ugliest piece of clothing and wear it proudly. How in the world did this bizarre practice get started, you might ask? Personally, I blame the Brits for this whole debacle. Their longstanding tradition of holiday jumpers somehow jumped the pond and landed here in a distorted form. And this unfashionable practice is only becoming more prevalent through the years as you can see clearly from this scientific graphic I constructed:
In any case, it’s time to start calling out the baddest of the bad. There is a limit to how ugly your sweater should be and, I’m sorry folks, the following sweaters are just too ugly to wear. Ever.
In case your family’s holiday gathering wasn’t already awkward enough, donning this sweater is sure to turn the party into a reality TV smackdown. Just be sure that the cameras are rolling…
THE SORORITY GIRL
If you didn’t have enough fun dressing like a sexy nurse at Halloween, wearing this sweater is sure to get the attention you’re seeking. To be fair, they do seem to understand the ugly sweater portion of the tradition well enough, although it does need to be said that you should also wear pants. (It is winter, after all.)
THE CAT LADY
During the festive party circuit, cats aren’t usually accepted as plus ones. So in protest, wear this sweater that will show your unending dedication to felines. To make it even more realistic, add real cat fur so that people’s allergies will start acting up when they are around you. Serves them right.
As everyone is aware, Santa Claus delivers his toys by ship. This sweater commemorates the bold commander who sails across … wait, that’s not right at all. So then that means this sweater makes no sense. Shocking. Seriously, if you are Captain Christmas, what are you captain of? I’m guessing it’s as prestigious as being captain of a cereal.
THE “SMART” PHONE
Do you sometimes wish you could be as smart as your phone for a day? Well, now you can by wearing this tech-inspired sweater. However, it doesn’t appear to work (probably need to restart) as this wearer is clearly waiting for the screen to unlock. I think she may be waiting for a while.
THE LOST DOG
Dogs (but not cats because they are noble creatures) have a propensity of getting confused, running away and getting lost—bless them. This sweater is perfect for the dog owner who is sick and tired of having to comb the neighborhood with “Lost Dog” flyers. Instead, just make a sweater that has a picture of your dog on it. That way, when your pup gets lost, you can easily advertise what they look like so there can be a happy canine reunion.
THE “THAT COUPLE”
Do you love your paramour and want the whole world to know? Do you make your friends nauseous with your outpourings of affection and PDA? Well, why stop now? ’Tis the season to celebrate your love and annoy your friends! On a side note, how does going to the bathroom in this outfit work? Ew.
THE SEXY MAN
If you think the song “I’m Too Sexy [For My Shirt]” was written about you, then grab this sweater ASAP! Now, technically it’s not a sweater because you, the stylish man that you are, know that ugly sweaters are so passé. You’re also already seriously photogenic because you spend a lot of time practicing in the mirror at home before any major event. And this holiday season, your gift to your friends and family is simply gracing them with your presence.
THE PARTY ANIMAL
This is the sweater if you see the holidays as one long club night and you are going to bring it. It’s a boom shaka laka Christmas, indeed (whatever that means). Of course, it’s also last year according to this sweater so you may have missed the boat.
THE ICKY GUY
Somewhat surprisingly, no one is wearing this sweater in the photo. I guess no one wanted to publicly be labeled as “that guy.” And that is a good thing. Please don’t wear this sweater. It’s icky and gross. But at least the grammar is correct?
D O N ’ T /// Thread on Me. Here Are 10 Ugly Xmas Sweaters You Don’t Wanna Wear.